Navigating Faith Transitions
As a Lebanese Catholic kid at an Episcopalian grade school, my sense of God and nature was connected, and religion was mystical and expansive to me. In high school, I started realizing there was a disconnect between the God I felt I knew in my heart and the one I was being taught about. My parents’ divorce in high school and the breakup of a serious relationship in college turned my world upside down. Being treated differently after 9/11 when people would find out I am Arab made me feel vulnerable and out of control. At some point navigating peer relationships with no sense of autonomy, I lost trust in my body who was once strong and carefree, and began to dissociate from her. Once I had the freedom of a new city in college, I threw myself into the so-called community at a “non-denominational” church. Catholic means “universal” so I figured “non-denominational” did, too. After discovering some frightening behavior of multiple pastors there, I began a series of running from one church to another, seeking safety only to find more reasons to fear. Finally in 2018, I looked around and there was nowhere else to go, which allowed me to see that maybe the pattern really wasn’t about me.
When I decided to take a break, my anxiety and hypervigilance abated. I began graduate school studying psychology and relationships again, and became more involved in politics. Reading Attached, it occurred to me that essentially any behavior that could be labeled as "sin", defined as what separates humans from God, may simply be an attachment need expressing itself and attempting to be met. We all want connection and validation. This reframed my sense of goodness in humanity and solidified my decision never to return to church. Coupling this understanding of attachment with what I was learning from podcasts and books by somatic trauma therapists, I started releasing my own trauma from my body and returned to my childhood view of body and mind being one. Beginning to view my attachment needs as valid and not as a deficiency, I was able to redevelop a relationship with myself, seeing myself as simultaneously autonomous and trustworthy. Viewing others this way allowed me to develop closer relationships with those around me. It is from this understanding that I engage with my clients who have experienced abuse within oppressive systems, especially church.
